Klaas Kroezen in Ouders van Nu: In my mind I was already a father when that role was taken from me

Klaas Kroezen (37) and his wife Rosalie went through seven miscarriages.

"A month after Rosalie and I got married, she became pregnant. I was wild with excitement. 'I am actually going to be a father!' I kept shouting. In my mind I was already a father when that role was taken from me after six weeks. Rosalie was losing blood. I hoped it was a false alarm, but sadly not. It felt as if something was being taken away from me. For the first time in my life I felt completely empty inside. Thankfully Rosalie and I were able to talk to each other well about our grief. Even so, I felt the great responsibility to pull her through it. To make her life enjoyable again.

Labradoodle comfort

Our wish to have children only grew stronger because of that miscarriage, but it kept going wrong. Time and again Rosalie had a miscarriage between six and twelve weeks into the pregnancy. The fourth time, we had been on holiday in Spain for just one day. We said: to hell with it, we are just going to take our holiday now. Those days we laughed, and we stood in the sea intensely sad and furious, screaming. When we came home, we decided we did not want to fill the great grief; we got a labradoodle. Three years later our Boef is still a beautiful bright spot from that period. Work was a welcome distraction at the time too. I am an internet entrepreneur with twenty people on the payroll. I felt awful, but my business simply has to keep running.

Thyroid problem

Rosalie turned out to have an early stage thyroid problem, and with it a greater chance of miscarriage. She took part in a study in which one group received real medication for the thyroid problem and the other a placebo. Two more miscarriages. Rosalie got the placebo. I asked the doctors to switch to the real medication, even though its effect had not yet been proven. Rosalie's blood values improved and she became pregnant for the seventh time. We were full of hope. We knew the cause, so surely it could not go wrong now? I was standing on top of a mountain with colleagues when Rosalie called me from the Netherlands. 'It has gone wrong again. Bleeding again.' Utterly defeated, I came down the mountain.

Unbearable grief

The next morning, on the plane home, I realised: I will never be a father, we are going to stop. It felt as if we had no other choice. The grief after seven miscarriages had become unbearable. Three days later, the scan showed that the little heart was beating after all. I had already let go of becoming a father, and now it seemed to be happening after all. An incredibly deep feeling. Madelief is now two years old. Our little miracle. The grief of seven miscarriages pales beside the richness of a child. Rosalie is now fifteen weeks pregnant again and everything seems to be going well. How wonderful would it be, a second one?"

At the time of writing, Rosalie was fifteen weeks pregnant. On 26 January 2022, Klaas junior was born.